Pilih

Mengapa memilih yang jelik

Sedang yang indah jelas tampak di mata.

Frozen out

Looked out the window..

There was only bare, dreary tree to be seen. 

Look like bare hands trying to grab the clouds..

The cold breath of autumn had stricken its leaves,

leaves that used to make a blanket across this street.

And now, be prepared for winter.

How time flies.

Day 3 of the-cooling-off-period.

Sanggup?

Kalau kau nak hargai pelangi

Kau kena tabah redah hujan

Kalau kau nak nikmat mentari

Kau kena kuat harung kesejukan.

#sofabiru

kasut.

cuba letak kaki kau
ke dalam kasut aku
cuba kau rasa sendatnya
ketatnya kasut aku
dengan kasut itu cuba kau berjalan
rasakan kerikil di tapak aku
kaca bersepai yang menjamah aku
dalam kasut aku
kau dapat lihat dunia dari mata aku
dalam kasut aku
mungkin baru kau tau
kenapa aku jadi aku.

Sofa Biru
Nadhira Brundage

Deep.

Dude, to judge a person without knowing the facts is to assume that we can play God. Be sensitive, we don't know what they go through. We all have different situations, different upbringings, different environments, different issues. We have not walked in that person's shoes. Walk a mile in their shoes, then you talk.

Fikry kata

Fikry kata aku OCD

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

Aku cari

Symptoms

Preoccupation with sexual

Gila.

orang kata.

Orang kata, antara cinta dan cita-cita, pilih cinta.

Orang kata.

Aku kata, PhD ada je mana-mana, mak ayah Allah bagi sekali je.

A couple of weeks before I leave for a conference in Boston, my supervisor came to me and said that there's an offer for me to further my study at Bristol Univ. Macam mana entah. Takudai and Bristol have this 'brotherhood' link, so if I'm interested doing my PhD at Bristol, I just have to cari supervisor who willing to work with me je. Then, I'm ready to go.
No tests. No interviews. 

Aduh mak.

Pening untuk beberapa hari.

Day 1 at the conference. My friend is supposed to present for a poster session. Yes, memang it is my paper. And he is the second author. Dia dapat ikut because sensei nak nampak submit banyak papers. But, what makes me angry, kau dah la dapat pegi senang-senang. Things like registration, flight, hotel, every things, sikit pun tak ambik tahu. Poster buat a week before pegi. No preparation at all. Everything he puts on me. And guess what. Yes, I have to present on behalf of him on that day. Because he can't speak english and tak jyunbi langsung. Then, what used you go there?

Well, it is true what they say. 

Tiada kebetulan yang membuta tuli.

Ditakdirkan, during the presentation, the General Chair of the conference, Prof Jun Suzuki, a professor of University of Massachusetts came and tengok my presentation.

The next day. Session aku sendiri. Tengah jyunbi dekat luar hall, Prof Jun Suzuki datang. Asked few questions on what I've presented last day and we have a little chit chat on what we are working on now. Then, he asked about my future plan. So, cerita laa about PhD, scholarship that I've got now and bla bla bla. To my surprise, yes, he popped that question.

"I planned to work on bla bla bla bla next year.... Would you like to join my lab and work with me for your PhD study? You can complete you PhD in less than 4 years."

Allah... Makhluk mana yang tak happy bila dapat two offers in one month?!!

But, at one point, it makes me wonder.

Is it a test or rezeki from Allah?

Pernah dulu, ku simpan niat jaga mak ayah.

At the same moment.... yeah, these offers.

Yang paling takut istikarah, ambik sejadah buat istikarah.

Yang selalu alpa, tiap solat dititip doa pohon petunjuk.

If this is the better for me, then make it destined for me, berilah keyakinan.

The choice has been made

There is no looking back

I stopped waiting, and started acting

Allah...

Now, I leave the rest on You

Only You know what will be the best for me
You know everything and I do not know
and You have knowledge of the unseen

Sekarang, jika kau tanya antara cinta dan cita-cita,

Aku mampu senyum dan....... 

ku pilih MAK ABAH..

Social networks, build or break relationship?

Talked to a friend few days back. While talking to her, I began to think that social networking is breaking rather than bridging the relationship. Well, as we can see, people nowadays are more glued to their social networks. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, blog and many more. Yes, social networks bring people together in many ways. But, I am seeing quite frankly that the break down of relationships on social networks start with first building a relationship then later after a relationship is built, people can do things intentionally or unintentionally to break down relationships. Hmm, may be because we had set in our mind that those social networks are just a wall. A wall where you can write anything you feel, anything you think, and if anyone else doesn't believe in what you do, they can remove you from their friends list. I have seen many persons go through this situation.

Some people use social networking to help vent their frustrations with life, with friends, with anything. So do I. But, we forget that the public could see what we have wrote on our wall. Sometimes, it hurts many hearts. Sometimes, it gave false sense of what's going on. It's happened to me last week. I tweet something and someone had false sense on me. I can tweet back and marah-marah, I also can post a status on Facebook and she also deserve a post in my blog, but I don't. I want text her personally tapi takut makin keruh. So, I just let her be in her own world.

"Well, I could be angry but you're not worth a fight. I've count to ten and I'm feeling alright. And besides, I'm moving on." Senyum. 

Oh, and yeah. This WhatsApp last seen thiggy. My Goodness. This functionality is really such a 'mood killer'. You can know if people ignore you and not reading your messages. Many relationships have ended because of it.

Note to self-- do not over-share.

This one fine day. In this week. I sat. And think back. Why this stoopid me shared every.single.thing.with.the.world? Why do I let myself publicize my activities. Cries. If any of you see me sharing any unreasonable things, bite my leg. Please.

Between dreams and reality

I just came back from a conference in Boston, Massachusetts, USA. InshaAllah, I'll write about it later in next post. But, I didn't just bring back a lot of small pieces paper (read: receipts), I also bring back many things in my head. Many things to think about. Many things to consider before I make a decision.

Between dreams and reality.

Between ambitions and responsibility.

Can't they match to each other?

And I wonder, what is Allah trying to show me...

Tango.

I'm now, ready to tango!

Eid Mubarak

As cliche as everyone does, raya post!

Even though we have moved into the last week of Syawal. Who cares. Lol.

Up and down the country, people are still holding Hari Raya feasts and open houses and this will continue right to the last day of Syawal. So, I think it is not too late for me to wish all my Muslim friends,

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri

Happy Eid Mubarak.

And I'd like to ask forgiveness, for all my wrongdoings

in and out, up to toe.

May Allah accept our good deeds, our worship over Ramadan

and bless us to make it to the next one.

Every year, praise to God, I get to celebrate it with my family. Even though I'm miles away from Malaysia. The members may not always be the same each year, sometimes fewer, sometimes more with the new addition to the family, but we'll celebrate nonetheless. Alhamdulillah, praise to God, we had full house for this year! Everyone's back and we get the chance to celebrate it with the whole family!

This year, my parents and I decided to go for turquoise for the first day of raya. However, pity Mak, her baju raya couldn't be ready on time. Even I'm back to Japan, the baju still not done yet. Pffffttt. Screwed you, Mak Cik Tailor! I have this kind of allergies with people who give you promises,

"Boleh kak, boleh. InshaAllah boleh siap ni sebelum raya."

And at the same time,

"Saya buat ketupat jugak kak. Tak nak tempah ke?"

But, it's end up....

Baju tak siap and ketupat sampai petang dah basi. Sheeessshh!

Now tell me, how can Melayu be respected? We've forgive you but, will never tempah anything from you next time.. 

Jin toncet. Dah salin baju but still want to be in the picture.

Baby, it's Ramadan....

"So how's your day?"

"I hate my Sensei. He once said it is OK for me to write my paper in English but earlier today he said....."

"Baby, it's Ramadan. You know right..?"

"............"

Ramadanへようこそ！

Ramadan is set to kick off tomorrow with the first fasting day.

This is challenging with the rising temperatures, hot summer and dry day.

Particularly for the Muslims in the northern hemisphere where the days will be soooo long.

In UK, if I'm not mistaken, fasting could be as long as 19 hours!

My God!

This is look so impossible! 

However, look at them.

They are so eagerly await this month of blessings and excitedly welcoming Ramadan. Thanks God for this amazing creatures that You give me. I am blessed that I am surrounded with the people who always kept me on the right track, bringing me closer to Allah and inspire me to be a better person.

Alhamdulillah, I just feel so lucky to have crossed path with them.

Speaking of friends, my mom always tell me, choose your friend wisely.

But I would think no. I shouldn't be too choosy and be friend with all, making as many friends as I can. But, now I get it.

I have a lot of friends, but as I grow up I realise that the friends who remind me about life priorities, the ones who I can spill my heart and soul to, I can count with probably one hand. 

And this also reflect me back of what kind of friend that I am.

I always take for granted these people. People who always listen and genuinely interested in the good and bad of me, who willing to share the pieces of my life. Sometimes, I am too busy doing grown up stuff, until i forget to put other things on pause mode and focus on our friendship. 

Sorry.

So, hopefully this Ramadan could bring me a great opportunity to become a better version of me.

Long distance relationship with Mr. Doctor

People ask me, how do we survive in the long distance relationship?
What's the secret to making a LDR work. And I will go like,
Err.. Ermm.. Umm.. Hmmm...
I don't know lah wey!
I don't think I'm an expert, nor do I think I'm perfect in any relationship.
 But, we have past half decade been together and 5 years in this long distance relationship.

Thousands miles away from each other. Can only meet once a year, during hari raya.

I myself can say it is not easy and it needs a lot of effort.
No, I didn't said that I'm proud with it, with how long we have been together even though we are far apart.
I.AM.SO.FREAKING.SCARED. And still.
There's no crystal ball that can predict how long a relationship will last.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow. Because everything is in Allah's hand.
And I believes that the long wait, the hopes and dreams, even your doas in every solat:
if she/he's not your jodoh planned by Him, she/he's still not.
But I'm still hoping that Syamim is the right one for me.

The distance is nothing, it is the first step that is difficult. I cried like an idiot, the day Syamim fly to Bandung. In the class you know. The body was in the class but
the mind and soul gone elsewhere.
I easily get emotional in few weeks after he leaved. People asking me about Syamim, seeing couple having dinner together, phone stay put without any ring.. 
It does tears me down. Wailed, helplessly.

We do text, Skype and talk on the phone daily but there's time when I went

"Hello baby!!"

And he went

"Tak boleh cakap sorry sorry." 

Woi, aku call jauh kot! Pffttttt

Booooooo doctors!

But, all in all, he tried to do the best for me. He gave all his hours when he had the chance.
Even we are far apart, we still do things together. Watching movies together. Having our meals together. Do homework together. Go for shopping together. And even sometime, we sleep together! Haha. One day if I have a chance to met the Skype inventor and any other applications that we used to keep in touch, I will shake their hands and say thank you. They are really save my life. Muahaha.

Here are some bullet points to really put in your back pocket. And I hammered this into my head too. Don't be jealous, trust each other and keep the faith. It's not only one to carry on a relationship, it takes two to tango. So, do give and take and most important is everything happen or tak puas hati, better said and expressed, rather than kept and suppressed. Discuss. Heart to heart. InshaAllah, it would get your relationship better.

Syamim keep reminding me that distance won't keep us far. How busy we are, how limited time we have to talk to each other. Yeah, he keep saying this because he is such a busy bee. When I am free, he is busy. When he free, I am busy. It's always like that. But it's always him who always missing in action. Class during the day and on call at the night. Following with another classes on the tomorrow morning. Who said dating to a doctor is easy?? I always pray to Allah, for grant me bundles of patience.

 From now on, this is what i will have to go through:

all the

baby-I-have-to-work

or

kejap-I-have-patients

or

kita-skype-later-tonight

Pfffffffffftttttttttt

Our movie date.

Candle light dinner on his birthday.

We have gone this far and it's already late to turn back. All I hope, we'd grow old together. It happens in the movies and I hope we will also see a happy ending. Ameen..

Little Things

Assalamualaikum.. Hola!

Wohh! Thursday already? It's hard to believe how time flies.

The clock is ticking. The data is not prepared yet. The dateline is on Tuesday.

And-I-am-so-dead.

C'mon simulator! Could you please work faster?

Haha. Put the blame on simulator. It's just a machine kot Elin.

I was late for lab today. Not because I woke up late.

But it's getting hard to find nice clothes to wear recently. Hehe.

Staring my wardrobe more than 20 minutes. 

It took me longer than I have to finish my plate!

Or maybe it's a hint for me to start shopping?
*naughty grin*

No, Monkey! No more clothes. 

But, the only exception for designer handbags :D

*naughty monkey*

So, I hopped on the bus around 10 AM.

It's about 10.20 AM when I arrived and to my surprise...

No one is here. Yet.

But

The door's not locked.

So, I know lah they still terbongkang inside. Cis.

C'mon laa wey! 10.20 AM already. It's not time to wake up yet?

(Today's favorite word: yet)

p/s: have you heard this song yet? Little Things by One Direction. I caught smiling like idiot while listening to this song. The lyrics is so cair! I think what makes One Direction lovable is they sing about loving an adoring girls' insecurities. Which I always hope my boyfriend/future husband will have that character. Gila tak happy if everyday he calls you beautiful and chase you for the rest of his life!

How busy is too busy?

I've been so busy these days. 

Dying with piles of works, datelines, and meetings.

There's no time to sit back and have a ha-ha now.

No play or fit time either. *Cries*

It feels like I've spend more time on my laptop, 

find ideas, brainstorm my research and discussing with people than anything else. 

One meeting after another until I can't even feel my legs!

But I'm trying to keep myself occupied so that time will fly fast fast fast until 3rd August,

then I hope everything will just slow down after that... slow down like a tortoise. Hehe.

For this week, I just have to do the simulation.

So, here I am! While waiting for the result. Not mencuri tulang, but mengisi masa.

Haha my roti canai rentung. Left it in pan, and go for bersiap. Come back and ta-daa. Already rentung.

Apart from having tiring weekdays, I dicided to join Amir Fitday.

We had futsal tournament at Nishi Oomiya on last Saturday.

It was really fun! Its been awhile since I've last went out and having fun with the girls.

But we didn't manage to go to semi-finals. Le sigh. 

So, what we did while waiting for other matches? 

Gossip-ing!

And the top topics discussed are marriage and brake up. Haha.

In our team, my batch's team, two of us just recently broke up with their boyfriend, 

while a friend of us will get married in this coming August. InshaAllah.

Praying for her that everything will go just as planned and 

to my friends who just broke up, don't worry..

One go, ten comes. 

Hehe.

With the Hachioji girls. On the way to Nishi Oomiya.

My team. Except Kah. She joined her locality's team.

After futsal we went for sushi and hit a karaoke session after that.

Since there's two of broken hearts joining us together, 

the song that have been chosen also..hurm, you know..

Typical songs for the broken hearts.. Haha

Trouble and We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift.

Can you imagine how was them singing that songs? Haha. 

Like they really mean it. 

But we really enjoyed it. Full of fun and laughter.

This giiiirl.. Haihh.. Nothing more to say lah.

Oh, and a stupid thing happened on my way back home!

I was in the same train with Berd heading to Shinjuku.

Because of we haven't had a chance to catch up with each other before,

we chit-chating until we didn't realize that we had just missed the stop

and the train was already heading back to Oomiya. 

That was a stupid thing we've done ever.

I swear. Haha.

*Face palm*

With Berd at Akabane, after missed the stop.

All in all, alhamdulillah for all the beautiful things that Allah bless me with.

Dream and Do.

dream big

Talked to Kak Ya earlier today. We will be working on a big project. 

I am so excited and I have my fingers crossed.

Really hope for the best and I hope that Allah will make it happen.

I already have the rough ideas of how it looks.

Now, I have to do a lot of researches and later, struggling with the proposal.

Hmm, research...proposal.. 

Of course, it is not easy and comes with big responsibilities. 

But I know I can do this.. InshaAllah..

Sure, there are risks involved and I could lose a lot of money.

But there are risks involved too if I'm not doing this.

All of life involves risk. So, let's give it a try. Who knows if my rezeki is here :)

I leave Him because only He knows the suffering

For every insult you throw my way and behind me,

I pray for nothing more 

but

for you to suffer twice as much as I did.

life guarantees.

We don't know what will happen tomorrow.

We don't even know what tomorrow will bring--

What our life will be.

"We have to take every moment as it comes, and be prepared for

heartbreak and devastation.

We are all human, making it through the toughest times. 

All we can do in life is hope and pray for the best and

live every moment as it's our last"

Life has no guarantee.

Today you are with your loved ones, tomorrow he/she is already with another, 
or you are with another.

Today you are happy with him/her, tomorrow he/she become your enemy.

Today you are excited to start planning for your dream wedding with him/her, tomorrow the wedding dress left untouched. 

There's no guarantee about anything and everything.

It is worrisome to think, frightening to ponder.

A dear friend of mine, spent 8 years in a relationship with a guy.
Got engaged for only 1 day, and broke up.
Which frightened me.

Summer Love.

I learned a big lesson on my life yesterday. I'm not going to mention that person's name because she will surely understand I'm mentioning about her if she read this. However, from her, I learned that jealousy and with no patient can ruin a relationship. A relationship between two friends or a relationship between one couple of girlfriend and boyfriend. 

People commonly take blatant jealousy to be a sign of true affection and commitment.

"Isn't that sweet?", they might say.

"She's trying so hard to protect the relationship. She must really care."

Well, not so fast. Jealousy is a sign all right. But what it points to is....... trouble ahead.

The bottom line: jealousy ain't cute! Listen girl, stop being the jelly-girl that guys-and-girls-can't-stand. Learn to trust him. Coping with your green-eyed monster. With what did you do yesterday, you can ruin good communication between people!

Love vs Money

"When I love someone

Even if I have to go broke I don't mind.

I'll even buy the world 

if I can just make that person happy."


Have you ever heard about money vs love?
Which one are you voting for?
Is money or love more important?

Well, I really think this is a silly discussion. The comparison is idiotic.
As for me, money cannot replace love. 
However, relationship also cannot survive with love alone.
But both money and love can increase happiness and security.

WHY??

OK, let's take an example. Let's say love between you and your mother.
All mothers in this world will never leave their children's through thick and thin. 
Yes, it is true!
BUT, your mother will 'leave' you if she got sick and you don't have health insurance and enough money for a doctor. 
Got it?

Both money and love can give you a way of ensuring your safety, and providing your satisfaction. Perhaps it's a hug or perhaps it's a new car. Money may or may not buy you happiness, but it does allow you to be miserable in comfort. Money is fine if you have it but if you let it control your life, you are lost. Reach for the really important things in life and try hard to avoid greed and envy. 

of the laksa penang and ais limau nipis

Last week, my junior came to me and ask either I know how to cook or not. Haha, I don't know how to respond but he makes me burst out laugh. You know why.. I know some recipes but I rarely cook.. But, yeah.. I'm not really good at cooking. I'd try for one day, realize how terrible whatever I made is, and then not go back for WEEKS. During my first year living alone, all I cooked is nuggets, burgers, roti canai and other frozen foods. How terrible is that? Haha.. I know I know.. Don't laugh at me. Pemalas plus tak tau masak. Easy formula. Sometimes, when the rajin comes, I will use instant-meal-ready-to-eat instead. Thanks to Pak Cik Brahim's and Mak Nyonya. You guys, really save my life! Haha. Okay, back to my junior's story.   

         "Why are you asking?"

         "I watched this one food show on Tv yesterday and they show some Malaysian foods."

         "Oh, okay.."

      "And now, I feel like eating Laksa Nyonya.. Do you know how to cook it? Will you          please cook it for me?" 

What?!! Laksa Nyonya?? Haha I don't know how to cook Laksa Nyonya. But I googled the recipe and yup, it is not as easy as we cook instant noodle. So, I told him that I can make him Laksa Penang instead, which is close(?) to Laksa Nyonya if he wants. Bagai mengantuk disorongkan bantal. The idea of cooking Laksa Penang light him up. I listed him some ingredients to buy while I will buy rice noodle and fish and we decided to throw a lunch party with the other lab members next Wednesday, which is today.

So, today is the day. We start cooking at 10 am. With the helps of all the lab members, the Laksa siap within 2 hours! Here we go! We had Laksa Penang and Air Limau Nipis for lunch. Relieved.

Lab members help cutting the vegetables

Lunch is ready

lose..

I wish I could turn back time. Impossible as it may seem. But I wish I could so bad.

I've made mistakes, said the wrong things..

How did I let that happen? And repeat the same mistake. If only I could rewind and stop doing the same mistake. But, if only..

If I could find a way I would take back those words that hurt them. 

I don't know why I did the things I did. I don't know why I said the things I said.

I didn't really mean to hurt any hearts. I didn't want to see them go..

Too strong to tell you I was sorry..

To proud to tell you I was wrong..

I am sorry for nasty words I said..

I am sorry for the way it hurt you..

I am sorry that I didn't think before I spoke..

I am sorry that I let my emotions gets the best of me..

I am sorry that it almost cost me our friendship..

I am sorry that things are not the way they used to be..

I am sorry..

Now, keep in mind Elin, when you lose, don't lose the lessons..

too short (?)

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think,

all the walks I want to take,

all the books I want to read,

and all the friends I want to see - John Burroughs

Allah has given you 24 hours how many will you give Him? Ahah! *cricket sounds*

Thing to ponder..

Oh, speaking of friend, Tuna just got hitched last week. Shared date with Malaysia General Election! Haha. So we called them 'Pengantin Hari Mengundi'.

Well, everything's about the same. Nothing much has changed between three of us, Tuna, Tubi and I, although two of them are already married.
I still feel like they are same as before. And I don't even look them as a 'married woman'. Sebab still tak matured. Haha.

Erm, but might be there is a little space in my heart, left empty.

Dude, who did not sad when their best friend get married and they could not be there on their big day? I missed Tubi's.. And now Tuna's..

These two girls like my own siblings and I should not miss their weddings :(

Le sighs. Yeah, yeah.. Things happened for a reason.. 

To Tuna,

Barakallahu lakuma wa baraka alaikuma wa jamaah baina kumaa fee khair..

Congratulations the newly weds!

Wish you peaceful and wonderful times ahead in life.

May Allah bless both of you with warmth and care.

Happy married life!

I know you can't read this post since I changed my blog's link. Well, maybe it's better :)

Hugs and kisses.

Like A Skyscraper

You can take everything I have

You can break everything I am

Like I'm made of glass

Like I'm made of paper

Go on and try to tear me down

I will be rising from the ground

Like a skyscraper.. Like a skyscraper!

mak: biar orang buat kita, jangan kita buat orang. okay?